Hi.

IT 2020. here my journal cover page cos it’s cute.

2019 was a bit shit and I haven’t decided yet whether I’m going to write about it in great detail, but in dot points:

was manic
came down into the worst 6 month depressive spiral, can barely remember it, took several weeks off work because I was convinced I was going to die
had a shit therapist who made me feel worse
had to spend a week with my parents
we got a BABY DOG, our baby Snufkin, and he then flunked out of puppy school lol
got diagnosed with cancer lmfao, got my thyroid removed!
found a better therapist!
got myself into a stressful work situation which ended in me crying to my boss after talking about it in therapy for t w o MONTHS nearly (and I got out of it like a week and a half ago and let me tell you how relieved I am: a lot.)
AM STILL ALIVE w t f

Anyway.

Anyway. Since I’m alive, I might as well attempt to get better at it, and there are a lot of things I want to improve drastically. I definitely have a problem with giving up when things start to feel hard and I want to work on that this year because I’m being pretty fucking ambitious with what I want. I’ve had goals the last two years which I didn’t work super hard towards because of being mentally ill and having a shitty time 8) but maybe this year will be better. Here they are, there’s some common themes.

May 2018: keep blogging, start a youtube channel, make art, learn to sew, continue to explore make-up and fashion. (success rate: Technically I’m still blogging, but it’s not very often. I did not make a youtube channel, I filmed one video and psyched myself out. I didn’t make much art or learn to sew. I did wear more make-up and expand my closet - did I document this very well? Not really)

(success rate: I grew my hair! I got tattooed once. I did not eat food more good or exercise. I did not neck myself.)

So my success rate is hit and miss, historically.

aaaaaand here’s what I’ve been thinking about a lot:

health

My mental health trajectory feels better than it has for a long time - which is definitely due to me going to therapy 20 times this year. I counted - TWENTY appointments. That’s ridiculous. But I think I want to stay alive now? At least for now, I have too much that I want to do. It doesn’t mean that I’m not sad anymore or that I don’t regularly want to cut my own head off, but I’m getting better at responding to my emotions. I’m continuing therapy this year - of course - because it’s working really well for me and it doesn’t make sense to stop before I even get to the juicy trauma. I still have a lot to work on, but I feel a lot more grounded than I did earlier in the year, I am more aware of why I feel the way that I do, and can actually allow myself to have emotions, and feel better equipped to work through the bad ones.

My physical health has not been great (even besides the cancer lol) and it is in large part due to the fact that I don’t know how to eat or exercise. What does that mean? I don’t really eat consistently. I sometimes eat lunch but if I’m feeling anxious, which happens a lot, I won’t eat. I don’t eat on weekends except for snacks or if I’m with other people. If I snack, it’s A LOT and I don’t really have a lot of control over stopping. I’ve never eaten breakfast and I still don’t. My sugar and caffeine intakes are hiiiiiiigh. Food and eating make me anxious. I mostly just want to, and do, eat for enjoyment. I like to eat as a social activity (which is also bad for my wallet) and beyond that I am not that into it. I don’t like preparing or making food. I don’t like being in or near the kitchen - less so at our current house because it’s a lot more open but it’s been an issue in the past where I will just stay away from the kitchen when home alone and drink no water and eat no food because of anxiety. I’ve spoken to multiple social workers at the hospital about my issues with eating - not while undergoing treatment, and my next step is to get a referral to a dietician and I should prooooobs talk to my therapist about it l o l. AND I NEVER DRINK WATER. EVER.

Beyond walking Snufkin, I don’t do a lot of exercise or physical activity. I work in an office and I’m a homebody. Walking Snufkin is nice, but beyond that I’ve never enjoyed exercising and I want it to be fun? I’ve tried a lot of things but can never stick to anything. I also have this great thing where my body just gives up and gets tonsillitis when I overexert myself too much.

I’ve started tracking my habits, health wise (mood, medication, teeth care, skin care, scar care for my neck, drinking water), quite closely and it’s been nearly two weeks and I haven’t given up on it yet! How amazing! I’ve been using Daylio and it is really helpful for me to have a visual guide on my phone - it also tells you how many days you’ve done the thing in a row which is really cool. Highly recommend Daylio if you are interested in mood or habit tracking. You do need to upgrade to Premium if you want to have track multiple habits and add more activities, but it only cost me $10 for Premium access foreva.

art

I barely did any art this year and I’m really sad about it. It has been so hard to have a consistent art practice for literally forever and I still continue to buy more art supplies. I bought an iPad! To draw! and life just kept running me down a hole so I barely used it. Maybe this year? I have some stickers and clay pins I want to make. So maybe maybe maybe.

I DID make some zines this year and sold them at a zine fair! That was my greatest 2019 art success. I also did draw a couple of things that I really loved.

I want to be more loose with my art - it feels very rigid and I don’t think that I have a very established or recognisable style. Mostly I just need to do it more.

money

I have no savings and I spend probably above my means and it isn’t good. I calculated my expenses for November and I spend a fucking ridiculous amount on food. I’m not talking groceries - I’m talking lunches, going out to eat, and ordering takeaway. I also spent a lot of money on clothes this year which was unnecessary because I already owned a lot of clothes. Yes, I did want the New Fashion Persona Me to come to life, but a lot of the stuff I bought I don’t think I even have anymore?

I have no excuse to not have savings beyond my own lack of impulse control. I am deeply embarrassed and ashamed by it. Money doesn’t really mean a lot to me but I am not setting myself up for success by spending my account down constantly. I want to be able to have back-up savings in case something bad happens and I need emergency money for me, or June, or Snufkin. I want to be able to travel. I want to maybe own a tiny house? Who knows. I just know that I can’t continue the way that I am now.

I’m changing banks to Up Bank - lemme know if you’re interested in joining because we’ll both get money if I refer you!! It has high interest savings accounts, it gives you a really detailed breakdown of what you spend your money on each month, it makes it really easy to transfer money in and out, and sometimes they refund people’s coffees! How cool! It’s all integrated in an app, so you don’t have to deal with an old, clunky, poorly designed website. It has no monthly fees! It tracks your regular expenses to make it easier for you to set up direct debiting etc etc. I’m currently in between two banks because I switched to a bank that didn’t have everything that I needed or wanted, so I had to kind of keep my old bank which has been a hassle. My plan is to close my Westpac account, keep my Citibank account because it is really excellent for overseas travel but outside of that I’m not loving it, and Up is going to be my main bank.

I’m going to set up all my direct debits for savings, bills, and rent because I do it all manually currently and it gives me too much power over my money. I’m kind of an if I don’t see it, I forget about it, kind of boy. That’s how I get away with spending so much. Once it’s spent, it goes into a void and I never think about it again.

I’ve also started listening to She’s On The Money podcast - which started as a podcast to help Australian women become financially literate and it’s actually been pretty beneficial for how I’m thinking about money. It’s not been that long and I’m still a little bit behind on episodes, but they have this saving tool to save $10,000 which is just a grid with different amounts in it for you to transfer into savings every week. You randomly pick a square in the grid to transfer every week, and cross it off, and then at the end of the year you’ve saved a WHOLE 10K. (Note: I know I’m in a pretty fucking good financial position if I can save 10k in a year.) It’s having an impact even if just for me to actually calculate how much I spend on shit I don’t need to actually do something about it out of shame???

This all might sound really basic but I did not grow up in a financially literate household and money management wasn’t really role modelled to me. I come from a Centrelink household. For my sister Cookie, this seemed to work really well - she’s so aware of money now and she’s excellent at managing hers. I swung in the other direction of being a fuckin dickhead with no impulse control who frivolously spends every time I am sad or in the midst of a breakdown (note - often). When I started earning more money, I didn’t keep my frugal not-having-much-money-habits, I just flexed up to match my salary. It is NOT GOOD.

being environmentally conscious

I’m currently and historically pretty low effort with being environmentally conscious. I do the bare minimum, really. The best thing I’ve done probably is to go vegan. Go me. I also use a keep cup /most/ of the time.

I want to really commit to it this year - I want to always remember my keep cup (not just most of the time.) I want to be more aware of waste - coming into and going out of our household. Recycling is good, yes, but reusing or repurposing is better if it can’t be recycled. Reusing glass is better because it takes a lot of energy to recycle it, so I’ve started keeping jars so I can put plant cuttings in them. I want to start composting and have a WORM FARM - I buy compostable bamboo toothbrushes and compostable doggy bags, but do I compost them? NO!! SO WHAT’S THE POIINT?!

I’m cutting out fast fashion. I’m only buying second hand or from sustainable clothing brands this year. THIS WILL HELP WITH MONEY TOO. I also want to /attempt/ to make my own clothes and to do cool alterations and thrift flips but we’ll see how that goes.

I’m going to have a deep look at my skincare and haircare regime and see what I can change. I use korean skincare and a lot of it is not vegan or environmentally friendly and I hate that I lapse in that area.

The one thing I can’t commit to is recycled toilet paper because, I shit you not (lolol), it literally shreds my anus and I can’t deal with the pain so I’m still buying regular toilet paper. Apparently my asshole is incredibly sensitive. Sorry Earth.

UUUUUUM

I think that’s it for now. Those are the things I’ve been thinking about and planning towards doing. Maybe I’ll inspire you to do a thing or two things or three things you want to do. Ask me next month how I’m doing with saving and using my keep cup. I need to be held to account.

THANKS IF YOU READ THIS, LUV U BABE. HERE’S SOME CUTE PIC FOR MAKING IT TO THE END

xoxo ghost fr0g
aka sam
aka big dog

hey it's a new year