This is a Thyroid-Free Zone
Hello.
I had my thyroid removed.
[november 23]
Acknowledging my absence, as usual~ It’s been like 4 months. What’s new? I never write blog posts anymore because life has been hard this year. I feel like I say that ALL THE TIME but maybe my life is just hard all the time don’t question it.
A N Y W A Y I’m here now, so hi. Is this my ultimate comeback? Unlikely, but whatever. My last blog post was in July when I had just found out I have cancer. Hey - if you didn’t know, I have cancer. I haven’t been given the All Clear yet but don’t panic, I’m basically cured. I sit here several months later, many needles, a surgery, and one less thyroid. It has been a turbulent time and I feel like I owe it to myself to write it all down. So welcome to my cancer journey, I hope you enjoy your stay~
If I’m being honest, having cancer did not pan out how I thought it would pan out - aka I didn’t have a massive breakdown at any time during the whole thing. That’s weird, right? Granted, I did have “““the good cancer”””. Should I be grateful for that? It still fucking sucked and it was still fucking hard and I DID at many points have a cry about how unfair it was. But I coped mostly. Points to me for being a hard motherfucker.
Now, in my three month post surgery wisdom, I am just annoyed that I had to deal with yet another traumatic life event. I feel like my life has been unfairly interrupted, which it has, and I just feel frustrated that there was nothing in my power to do anything about it. How am I supposed to go on with my normal life? I’m struggling.
My last post ended with a recount of my first visit to the cancer centre and that feels like it was so long ago that it didn’t even happen to me. It’s only been four months, and it’s already been four months. It feels freeing that I haven’t had an appointment with them in a couple of weeks.
The cancer centre was mostly really good and I am incredibly grateful that I was able to be treated there. Throughout the whole thing I shuddered to think about how this all would have happened had I lived somewhere else. Things happened relatively quickly and smoothly and for the most part everyone was really thorough with explanations and with making sure I had all the information I needed. I had a lot of testing done before my surgery so that the surgeons could be as confident as possible with their plan of action. I’ve had a lot of post surgery follow-up scans and tests and appointments.
[december 12]
I had my thyroid removed on a Tuesday - we arrived at Peter Mac and I was within the operating theatre in under an hour. The tumour they removed was nearly 5cm wide/long/whatever way you want to imagine it. It was INSIDE my neck - a big 5cm growth. It had been pushing on my windpipe and during surgery they couldn’t find one of my calcium glands and ha ha turns out the cancer had grown around it. The surgeon said for it to have grown that large, it must have been growing for years. Papillary thyroid cancer is slow growing, and that’s why it didn’t affect my breathing, it didn’t affect me in any real way other than taking up a lot of space in my neck to the point of being visible through my skin. Or maybe it did - I don’t know. I don’t know how large of an impact it has had on my life because I don’t really know exactly how long it was there, and no doctor can tell me that or whether this has impacted my mental and physical body state in other ways. Is this why I’ve been so fatigued?? Is this why I have not been able to exercise without getting tonsillitis within a day of doing so?
The surgeons re-implanted one of my calcium glands on the side of my neck and for two months that side of my neck was so sensitive and the skin ACHED if I or anyone else touched it. I don’t know if it’s functioning correctly now, because apparently it hadn’t been, but my guess is Not. I take calcium supplements now (alongside all the other supplements & medications I have to take to try to function as a human) and I can tell when my calcium levels are low. My skin starts to ache and my fingers and feet go numb. The toilets at my workplace are just the right height for my feet to go numb when I’m sitting down - it’s weird but it happens so often and I haven’t figured out an angle to place my legs to make it stop and it feels SO WEIRD to be doing weird leg movements when I’m tryna peep or poop without my body going numb. It’s highly inconvenient and I constantly forget to bring my calcium with me so I’m constantly buying more and I feel judged by chemists. (Side note: a chemist asked if I had been prescribed iron and I was like what do you mean? and she was like oh did your doctor tell you your iron is low? and I was like yes he did. NAH LADY I’M JUST TAKING IT FOR FUN totes spending $30 on iron tablets which are not necessary) I also haven’t been prescribed a specific amount of calcium because I was told I /probably/ wouldn’t need to take supplements but here I am going numb if I don’t take a calcium tab every 6 hrs. P.s - I have raised the not-having-a-prescribed-dose of calcium to take to many ppl at the cancer centre. Maybe it’s a non issue for them but it’s an issue for me and it’s frustrating to not have a specific regiment or known formula to follow.
I feel bitter that I had to go through this and I can’t just close off this chapter of my life because it has impacted my day to day. Ye, I have to take a few more tablets, big deal right??? But it kind of is because I need to make sure that I have them wherever I go, whenever I go, and I am always nervous of being caught in situations where I can’t get what I need. My body feels it if I miss a dose of something. My mood and general ability to function are made so much more difficult without thyroxine. I had to not take it for a little while because I had to undergo radio-iodine therapy and my mood and wellbeing were fucked for WEEKS afterwards. RAI sucked - I got butt injections and then I was in hospital alone for three days and the nurses had to stand behind this metal barrier to protect themselves from radiation. It was weird. Peter Mac does not do food well, esp for vegans.
[december 13]
I have been feeling so frustrated about it all recently, which is why it has taken me so long to write this post. I’ve tried to write this multiple times and I’ve always given up because it is a hard topic and it has been a hard experience.
I had an endocrinologist appointment today and I am increasing my thyroxine dose which I’m hoping helps with my fatigue - the endocrinologist said that there is some parathyroid function (the gland that regulates/produces calcium) but still not a lot. She said that we will probably see more improvement within six months - which is a long time but I am grateful for progress, at least. I also had an appointment with one of the youth employment and vocation advisers who was incredibly validating about my recent work experiences and also reminded me that there are grants I can access for having gone through this as a young person. She also validated my feeling fatigued and said that it is so normal after having undergone this level of trauma to your body.
The endocrinologist today said that the cancer I had was a lot bigger than they usually see in people my age, it always feels bizarre to hear someone say something like that. It’s terrifying to think this thing was inside of me for so long and now I have to deal with the consequences of this thing I didn’t choose to have. I hate my scar - it’s bumpy and jagged and it itches and sometimes it aches. I am always nervous someone will ask me about it and then pity me. I don’t want to be pitied. I just want to forget that all of this ever happened - but I cannot.
A N Y W A Y I’m really glad to have had some validation today - and it is going to be nice to have a few more weeks without appointments before the new year.
Love lumpless boy xoxo