an update blog
I’m not sure how to write this. It feels like I’ve been keeping this big secret from everyone and I want to stop stopping myself from being able to talk about it online. I don’t really want to talk about it but having the option will make me feel less heavy. I want to be able to go hey I had a hard day because of this thing happening.
TL:DR I got diagnosed with thyroid cancer last week. I’m going to be fine and I am getting the care I need. I am coping considerably well. I’ve known for 9 days and I feel like so much is happening at once but also not much is happening at the same time. I’m still doing my daily life and functioning. I’m not in breakdown mode. I’m doing fine. It’s a weird time right now but if I can still continue to do my life I’m fine.
If you read that and your first response was to message me asking how I am: I’m fine. If you still need to message me, that’s fine, but I don’t want to answer questions and I’m putting everything HERE so you don’t need to ask questions. I am not asking for help from anyone. I am not posting this as a call for attention. I just want to be able to share things again when I want or need to. If you need more info, pls google it.
If this is going to be triggering for you, obviously do not read it. Just know I’m fine.
tw medical, cancer, mention of medical tests/treatments
When my mum was visiting a month ago, she pointed out the lump on my neck when I was getting ready for a doctor’s appointment. She said she had mentioned it to me before, but I don’t have any memory of it now because my memory is appalling. The lump has been there for a while and I had never ever said anything about it to a doctor because of the millions and billions of times I’ve seen doctors in the last few years about my tonsils. Doctors have inspected my neck and throat so many times that I never thought to even say anything about this hard lump that they SURELY would have said something about in their exams. I just assumed it was connected to me having tonsillitis so much.
I mentioned it to my doctor that morning because it was fresh in my mind. It wasn’t something I was worried about and I brought it up at the end of our appointment when he asked, “Is there anything else for today?”. He asked me to get a blood test and an ultrasound and assured me I’d be fine. I got the blood test done before I went home, but I didn’t have time to get the ultrasound while my parents were visiting.
The blood test showed that my thyroid function was normal – good news. No under or over functioning thyroid, that’s a win. I got the ultrasound the week after my appointment which went fine. Getting an ultrasound is not that much of a big deal tbh. I had a follow up appointment with my doctor the following week. He said that the two lumps had suspicious elements and gave me the ultrasound notes. He also wrote me a referral to get a fine needle aspiration biopsy done. Lots of googling ensued – only freaked myself out a little bit but like the chances of cancer seemed pretty slim so I was like it’s cool it’s cool. He didn’t even look at the ultrasound slides I painstakingly had to carry with me which don’t fit in any regular sized bag.
Flash forward to FNA – which was UNCOMFORTABLE – I had 2 needles in my neck for numbing and then they took 7 samples from the lumps in my thyroid (aka shove a big long needle in and wiggle it around for 2 minutes x 7). Lumps PLURAL because there are 2 – one on each side. One is BIG like 3.6cm big. It’s visible by looking at my neck.
I learned a very important lesson about scheduling appointments after this, and it’s that you don’t schedule an appointment at 9am and plan to go to work afterwards if it’s an appointment where you’re getting results for a test because you miiiiiiiiiiiiiight have cancer. Which I do.
So you have a tumour. This is a lot to take in. Do you have any questions? No. He didn’t say the word cancer. I had to call back the next day to just check is it CANCER. I called June and then I emailed work and I cried and went home. From then until now has felt weird like I’m floating outside of my life and outside of myself. I’m coping but in my brain I’m like has some part of me already died for me to be able to deal with this? And I had a weird realisation last night that this isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me which is kinda fucked up. I’ve spent a lot of time telling friends and reassuring others that it’s fine and I’m fine and it’s exhausting to have to do. If you weren’t on my long list of people who I had to tell, I’m sorry but it was a lot of Big Emotional Energy and I had to try to keep it short to protect myself. I’ve told the management team at work and I’m on the fence about telling other people at work because I don’t want to have to play the role of reassurer when it is me going through the thing.
Of all the cancers you can get, papillary thyroid cancer is one of the best. It’s very treatable. I’ll get my thyroid out and probably some lymph nodes, and then I’ll maybe need to get radioiodine treatment done but also maybe not. I’ll take tablets for the rest of my life, but I already take tablets so it’s fine. It’s all very doable. I’ll take two weeks off work to recover after. My mum, sister, and brother will all probably fly down to spend time with me while I go through surgery and recover.
I spent 3 and a half hours at a big fancy new cancer centre yesterday and the receptionists were AWFUL but all the medical staff were so kind and reassuring and helpful. I got a camera stuck down my nose and into my throat, I got another ultrasound and TWO senior surgeons examined my neck, I had a blood test and an ECG. It was shocking to me that all this happened on the same day. I also met with a nurse, had all of my questions answered and I have a CT scan booked for next week and my follow up appointment a couple of days later. I’ll get surgery probably within a month’s time, which is bizarre. It has all happened very fast, but every day feels so incredibly long. I only mentioned the lump to my doctor a month ago. How odd that I can be a few weeks from getting surgery when I only just said a thing. I’m drained but I’m still fine and I’m seeing my psych every week and she’s been such a help. I’m honestly sick of talking about it now. I just want it to all happen and then I can move on with my slightly less lumpy life.
I’ve never been in hospital before and having a surgery is spooky but I’m not really scared of complications of surgery, just pain. I don’t care about the scar. I don’t care much that I have to take time off work. It’s kind of a painful holiday, if you think about it. I’ll probably just play a lot of video games and eat a lot of yogurt.
THX FOR READING love lumpyboi.