I just feel very tired

Hello.

I’m embarrassed about how long it has been since I wrote something. Has anything changed? Not at all.

I’ve been struggling a lot with fatigue since the start of the year. It has been really difficult and even with the best preparation, sometimes it’s unavoidable. I am still in the limbo of recovery and I am angry and frustrated about it most of the time.

I miss writing for my blog. I’ve sat down a couple of times to write and I can never find words to say. I am stuck in this weird doubt cycle about myself and my abilities which tells me that my blog and my art and my anything and everything is not worth anything. I care so much about my blog. I really really do, despite never writing anymore. I want to, but I have to focus so much energy on just existing and getting through the day to day.

I have been going to an exercise program at my hospital with some other cancer patients – one who is still in the midst of treatment for blood cancer – and it’s wild how different all of our experiences are/have been but how much of it is the same. We’re all still stuck in the cycle of fatigue. One of the girls just started back at uni after having to take an entire year off because of her diagnosis. The other returned to work a couple of weeks ago. 

We had an information session this week about fatigue and cognitive function being affected during and after cancer treatment. One of the girls asked if it was difficult for me to transition back into work and if I felt ready and I felt so uncomfortable? Not because of her questioning, I was totally open to that, but because I didn’t really have a choice about returning to work after my surgery. I have to work to be able to pay my rent and survive and after my three weeks off to “”recover”” I desperately needed to work again because I had no money and we were about to move house and it all felt very very tight. I was fortunate enough to be able to access a grant to pay my rent, but if not for that it would have been incredibly hard for us (even more so than, you know, me having cancer).

I love my team at work and I have been so so accommodated throughout this whole process, bar a couple of moments. I’m just incredibly sad about the fact that because I cannot live at home, I could not take extra time to let my body rest. Would the fatigue have hit me as hard as it has if I had been able to take an extra few weeks off? An entire month? I don’t know and I never will. 

The worst part of these feelings is that I didn’t question it at the time because I just wanted my life to feel normal again. I wanted to just go back to having a routine. I was exhausted down to the core when I went back to work. Everything felt so hard, but having the routine was so important for me in that time.

I’m trying hard, but it becomes such a chore to get over how unfair it all feels. Hey, you already had cancer and you had treatment and your whole life was interrupted and now it’s been nearly seven months BUT sorry you don’t get to have a rest. You need to keep going because otherwise you can’t pay your rent. You need to keep going even though you cannot concentrate and sometimes your cognitive function is so bad you can barely remember words. You can’t remember the name of the store where you always meet your partner. You can’t remember any of the words you need. You can’t remember conversations that you’ve had. You can’t remember if you took your medication today. But you just have to deal with it.

I’m exhausted but I’m also tired of this being my reality. I feel guilty that I’m sad about it. I feel guilty when I’m angry at myself for being unable to do things that I want to do. My therapist constantly reminds me that I need to have self-compassion but do I deserve it? Maybe I SHOULD be trying harder. Maybe it’s just laziness. But I know it’s not – I just want to blame myself because if I were to blame, I’d at least have some control over the situation.

I do a lot of small things to try to manage the fatigue. I structure my work day around my energy levels. I try hard to eat 3 meals a day when I’m not being smothered too hard by the depression. I’ve been exercising, sometimes, at least once a week, sometimes more. These things help, of course, but sometimes your body just can’t and you have to cope.

I haven’t been coping very well for a little while. I wish that I was, and I wish that that wish had more weight.

I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m doing things I enjoy. I’m allowing myself to rest and have the space I need. I am taking full advantage of the allowances I can get from work. I switched to working part time at my own financial expense.

Things will get easier, I know. They just feel very heavy right now.

Thank you for reading this, if you did. I hope you’re well. 

Sam