being alive can be so lonely, but i'm glad to have met you

It has been a long time since I’ve been back here, but it feels like coming home.

Yesterday, I read a blog post that made me feel seen and understood and it made me remember how it used to feel for me to write. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed throwing my feelings into the universe and knowing that someone else might feel seen, or heard, or understood. I’ve missed it so much, and it’s not surprising now to me that I’ve come back here seeking comfort.

Life is very hard right now and I’m not coping well at all. The days are okay, but they’re very long. Every day feels like a year, every second feels so much longer. Night time is unbearable. I cannot sleep, and I spend every night sinking into my despair until I fall asleep from exhaustion. I’m never asleep before 4am.

I was assaulted, and I was rejected by someone important to me. These two things are not connected, but together they make a very heavy heart. It’s all still so fresh and I feel like my heart is an open wound, but I know that my feelings of sadness and anger and despair are warranted. The assault opened up a rift inside of me and a lot of bad things came out. I’m having nightmares about bleeding that I can’t stop, and intrusive thoughts about making myself bleed, and my fear of abandonment has not been this bad in years. I find myself constantly begging and praying inside of myself “please don’t leave me”.

I haven’t felt this bad in a long time, but it feels different this time. I’ve spent so many hours in therapy over the last two years and so many hours outside of that reflecting and rewiring my brain and I can feel the difference inside of myself. Of course I don’t feel this way when I’m neck deep in fear and sadness and crying to One Tree Hill at 2am, but I know things are different. I know that I’m capable of getting through this. I’ve been through worse, as awful as that sounds and feels. I have been through worse.

I’ve felt lonely for a little while, maybe not consciously, but I have, and it’s made this last month feel almost impossible to survive. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to right now, lest I burden them with my sadness. This isn’t true, of course. I have a couple of close people who I trust, but to share this burden with them feels very hard.

I’m feeling so much right now, it’s a wonder that I have not burst.

I’m going to be okay. It doesn’t feel true most of the time, but it is, and despite everything I am in a safe place with June beside me and I can still find joy in small things.

The blossoms were blooming today and it made me happy. I’ll bloom again one day, but for now, I am just a whisper and a ghost.

Love always to you.
Sam