cdog comeback tour 2021

hopefully the tour is only one stop (i wrote this at like midnight so sorry if it’s nonsensical)

today has been hard and I'm gonna write a post about it

// medical speak stuff about cancer sorry if I haven't tagged any of my Instagram stories with any warnings if I'm meant to because I just wanted to be like psa this is happening to me

I got bad news today that I have cancer cells in my neck and in my lungs maybe (?) and I have to get radioiodine treatment again and I'm a bit shocked. In that moment when you're told it truly feels like your head goes numb and you can't hear or process anything. I didn't ask any questions except for when I'd be admitted for treatment and for how long. I couldn't think of what to ask and I was by myself and my brain stopped and I was kind of just like. Huh?

The doctor told me there was ““activity”” in my lymph nodes and when he showed me the scans, the side of my neck just looked like a cluster of black splotches next to my clean scans from the last time I had them done. He said the spots are only a couple of mm each, they're really small and we caught it early. He said that the reason they left me so long in the waiting room was because they were discussing whether I’d need surgery (apparently no, because they might not get all the cells and they wouldn’t be able to target the dots showing up in my lungs) He didn't say "your cancer is back" or "you have cancerous cells" - I think doctors Just don't like to say it. When I first got diagnosed in 2019 my doctor said “tumour” and never said “cancer” and I was like what does any of this mean? and I googled myself in a circle because he didn’t use language that felt correct to the gravity of the situation.

I didn’t ask anything else today. I didn’t ask if I should worry about my lungs - which I am. I didn’t ask about what the next step was after getting RAI? and when I’d next get scans again? and is it common to need treatment again? and does this mean I have cancer again? Is there a difference in having some cancerous cells and having cancer? what if it doesn’t go away with the treatment? Could I need surgery again in the future? Anyway, papillary thyroid cancer is slow growing and I think my prognosis is good based on the past but it still sucks really bad and it feels really hard and unfair that this is happening, and it is, and I just want to eat bread and soy again but I'm still not allowed.

I've been off my thyroid meds for a month and on a low iodine diet for two weeks to have the scans I had on Tues/earlier today so I knew there was the possibility that I'd need treatment but I hadn't considered how I'd feel or what it even meant if I needed treatment. In my brain, I was getting tests to know if I needed RAI and my brain did not fill in the blanks of why I would need treatment (good shielding brain). In my brain I wasn't getting tested for the presence of cancer cells, just whether I needed treatment. So when my brain went > need treatment > why need treatment > oh cancer > cancer????? and then I had to google if getting RAI again meant my cancer is back and the answer is yes (I think???) and what does it mean that there were dark patches in the scans of my lungs and oh no you have cancer AGAIN. Put your nose rings back in, order your coffee and don’t cry at the counter or in front of the barista, say thank you when they compliment your hair, go outside with your coffee and sit in the sun and cry and message your partner, boss and sister.

I hate that my immediate reaction of my getting bad news is to soothe others by putting the ""good news"" first and saying that I'm okay because I'm not really okay with this at all and I shouldn't be okay with it. I accept this because I have to but it fucking sucks. I feel guilty when I have bad and uncomfortable news because I don't want people to feel uncomfortable because of or for me. This is uncomfortable and bad news, it’s normal to feel uncomfortable and bad about it. I feel really sad. I feel really angry. I feel like I deserve to not have to go through this again. I feel like this year has been hard enough.

I get admitted at 1pm tomorrow, get my bloods done, and then wait until they have a bed for me. I then get to take a little radioactive pill and sit behind a big metal barrier for four days while nurses in full PPE come to check my vitals sometimes and everything in the room is wrapped in plastic and I’m only allowed to use disposable plates and cutlery and have to stand on a cross on the floor and have a big radiation monitor gun thing pointed at me from 6 feet away from outside of the room. I’m going to miss my partner and dog and my own house and bed.

I don’t feel any more prepared to go through this than I did when I went through it two years ago. I had support workers last time I went through this and I don’t this time. I had more than a day’s notice last time that I was getting admitted again. I had access to thyrogen injections instead of cutting off my thyroid medication for a whole month. I had had multiple discussions with multiple doctors and someone else who could advocate for me was allowed to be in the room and ask questions because I couldn’t find make my brain do anything.

I only thank dog that I don’t need surgery and that I live in Australia in the same city as a big newish cancer centre and not somewhere worse.