Oops it's November

Hello friends and foes,

It has been a while since I’ve been around. I’m doing okay. I feel like I’m right in the middle of a growth and a transition period in my life. I’ve kind of felt that way since September, like things were happening and things were okay and I was starting to ground myself.

The end of September was a little bit less social and a lot of my plans got cancelled but that was okay. It probably used to bother me more that my friends cancelled plans but I get it now, sometimes you just can’t and it’s fine. I feel like September was the first time I’d felt really inside of myself for a long time. I had this moment where I was walking through the city alone and the sun was going down and I was just alive and present and I really felt a sense of belonging to myself and to the city. I was a ghost for a long time and this year has been a growth year and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this comfortable in my self or my surroundings.

I did something really big in September and I messaged my ex. You may have heard about him (lol jk no one reads my blog). This was such a big thing for me and I’m really really happy that I did it. I felt lighter afterwards and it felt like something that I’d wanted to do for a long time but my brain didn’t know how to say so.

I was holding on to a lot of anger about things that happened when we were kids. He wasn’t nice to me at the end, but I also did a lot of bad and manipulative shit which I had never reflected on or admitted to or owned. I wasn’t a good girlfriend person to be with and I was very reliant on having someone else to hold the weight of my issues that I couldn’t hold myself. I don’t hold it against him anymore that he couldn’t do that for me. I feel like I didn’t have my own identity then and in my brain I was just one part of a two piece set. There was no alternative for me at that point of my life, I couldn’t and didn’t want to envision it any other way, and when I didn’t have that anymore it was really hard to handle.

I’ve worked on myself so much over the last 3 and 4 and 5 years since we were together and I know that he has too. He’s essentially a stranger now, but I was very taken aback when he told me the impact that I’d had on him and how much he had changed. He had such a big impact on me too. Even if I grew out of spite and out of the instinct to survive, it was really valuable growth and I would not be the resilient and strong person that I am without that teenage heartbreak. I’m not really thankful for the experience but I value myself more for it.

I used to dream about him a lot, and towards this conversation I had been dreaming about him for weeks. I don’t know if I believe in the meaning of dreams, but the dreams have stopped now almost as though my brain is now satisfied that I was able to lift that weight off of my shoulders. It isn’t a source of anxiety or anger anymore. It’s just a thing that happened to us when we were young and now I can still exist in the same world as him, and I can know that he’s okay.

October went so quickly I can barely believe it happened. I went to a weaving workshop at a small art shop called Creatrix by a sweet sweetie Claire. We inspected some houses. I came out as non-binary to my team at work. I spent a week in Queensland with my family and I met a sweet angel in Bundaberg. I visited some places that meant something when I was young and it felt okay it felt okay it felt o k a y. I got to see my dog! We bought him a house and he slept in it and loved it.

I got back from Queensland a week ago and I met some cute queer people at a skating and climbing event. I’m a bit terrified of exposing myself to new people, but everyone seemed really lovely and I hope that I can push through the new-people-anxiety to make some friends and join a different community.

We’ve spent the last couple of nights packing and cleaning to move house. We move on Monday! I’m so excited. I can’t believe we’re doing it. I thought we’d stay at our current apartment for longer but I’m already ready to move on. I feel like June and I have grown so much in ourselves and in our relationship in this place so it’s strange to leave. But I’m really happy too. After 4 years I’m finally REALLY moving in with my soulm1308 Matt. I hope we can build a wonderful home together~

Here are some happy photos from since my last post.

Lovelovelove Sam