a thing but Not ~A Thing~

I want to tell a story about a thing that is happening to me right now because it has never happened to me before and I’m processing it and handling it much differently than I thought I would. I really also want my blog to be a place where I can just DUMP how I’m feeling when I’m feeling it because that’s what it was when I started it and I feel like I have kind of lost that. So this is a thing but not A Thing and it’s a mountain of feelings.

In the very recent past, June and I have openly discussed how we feel about the other doing romancey type things with other people. Basically we’re pretty chill – we both want the other person to do what they want and to be happy and to grow and be the best human ever. This is big for me because I feel like I am so heavily influenced by other people, and especially people who I am or have been romantically involved with, so it makes sense that I would want to learn more about me and about others in that way. I’m fully inside of my emotions at all times, I feel them so wholly and it is a happy thing for me that this is true but also sometimes bad.

I’m so totally openly happy that we’ve discussed this and that we both want what the other wants – but I never fully thought about it in my brain that this situation could actually come up without me actively searching for it and it’s weird that it came up so quickly after we discussed it.

So I found myself in a mutual crush situation with someone and we both wanted to pursue and then they decided that they didn’t want to pursue because of timing and situation and their own things that we’re dealing with and I’m just speculating but probably because I am so emotionally unstable and in a constant Messy Life Fluctuation of Feeling Everything. That’s fine and I respect that they’ve pulled back and done what they need to do for their own self. It’s so hard to do that and especially hard if you’re trying to not hurt another human, so shoutout to them for doing it, I’m so proud of u. We’re gonna be pals still  and I wanna get to know them more and I’m so happy and grateful that I can be their friend, basically it’s the best outcome BUT now it’s been a couple of days and I am still feeling a lot of emotions about it which I did not think I would and I hate that I am. P.S this whole thing has been over like 11 days so I’m kinda disgusted in myself that I’m feeling and acting the way I am and I’m so hyper aware of it that I feel like it’s leaking out of every pore on my body.

This is a new situation which I’ve never been in and there are a lot of people’s emotions involved and it’s weirdly stinging that my enthusiasm about wanting it to work and be A Thing was not enough for it to actually be A Thing (duh, that’s how life fkn works you big egg) I’ve also had a weird big emotional week in terms of other things – Transgender Day of Remembrance and putting on an event and speaking at the event, and having a personal medication crisis where I thought for 2 days I lost my script and then took my medication really late which has me all kinds of fucked up.

I think it’s highlighted some other things for me that I’ve been actively ignoring. See: not seeing a therapist. See: my overwhelming need for attention. See: the fact that I have such a weird relationship with my sense of self and feel like I don’t exist a lot of the time. But by far the one that is feeling the worst is me reliving some behaviours which featured heavily in my life a couple of years ago which I have never fully addressed. See: I am and can be incredibly obsessive about things to an unhealthily intense point. I’m now in the very hard position of peeling myself back from doing this because I am doing it and I am doing it hard. I know that this is a thing I’m doing and I know that it’s a dangerous space for me to be in because I have been here before and it lead to my biggest spiral. So I’m firstly glad I’m aware of it and secondly I’m trying so so hard to stop and I feel sick and bad about it.

I feel really ashamed about not having a Normal Reaction about this situation and I hate that too that I feel as though there is a normal way to have feelings and I am not doing it. I’m wearing it all much heavier than I thought I would and I am disappointed in myself and the situation and the reactions that I keep having. I feel like I have grown and grounded myself so much this year but these are some big areas which I have definitely ignored and definitely need to work on so I’m half grateful for the fact that I am recognising this but also it sucks it sucks it sucks.

Thanks for sticking with me while I silently scream inside my own head and hope that this person still wants to be my friend even though I have made several vague-posts about them on social media. 8))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))