i might be alive still

It has been a while.

It feels like every blog entry starts this way. It is an apology and a promise to do better - mostly to myself, but sometimes to you too. Welcomes friends, it looks different here than it did before. I am different too. 

The year has gone so quickly. I can barely believe that it's March, if not for the fact that every calendar says so. It feels like I've slept through the last few months and I can barely remember the details. Everything morphs into one and my memory seemingly just gets worse.

A quick recap on where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing - I'm using my instagram stories to refresh my memory. I use it as a timeline because I can never remember where I was at any given time or what I was doing or how I felt.

December

I watched my dear friend James play a gig - he said some very meaningful words that still resonate with me deeply. I wrote about them a lot in my journal. I felt sad for a long time about rejection. I was sadder than I thought I would or should be and it was hard. I did a lot in December. I went to some gigs and discovered new music. I saw my favourite band play T W I C E and I got to meet Jordan Dreyer who is an angel and my idol. I went dancing with friends. I went to some art shows. I got some new plush toys. I went to Sydney for Christmas and I went to Brisbane to see my family.

November and December were manic for me.

January

I got to spend Cookie's birthday in Brisbane and it was A Lot. Finally went back to GOMA, my love. June and I went vegan. I dyed! my hair! black! Lots of recruitment at work. I went on a date and it was nice and then (shrug) nothin. I started reading again. I stopped getting my nails done. I watched Moomin for the first time and FELL IN LOVE. I started making art again. I started taking photos. Eating was alright. My sweet sweet sweet angel friend left our workplace and I still haven't recovered.

February

Went to some art shows with loves. Played a lot of Minecraft. Reread Eragon! I made five zines for Festival of the Photocopier. I sold things! at! Festival of the Photocopier! I took some photos of pals. Work was busy and work was hard - so much emotional labour. I got an iPad and I'm slowly learning how to use Procreate - I keep discovering new things.

March

I turned 24! I got tattooed by someone I used to follow on tumblr years ago (cry face) I had a lil party. I went to the Irregular Choice opening party and got anxiety and bailed after an hour. Still playing a lot of Minecraft. We went rock climbing. We went to the Dandenong Botanic Gardens and it rained but it was nice and I’m grateful. We're half way through the month and I'm exhausted. Struggling with the emotional labour associated with being a co-chair of our pride network on top of my own role. Struggling with all associated labour of being alive. We saw Harry Potter and the Cursed Child and it was Pretty Pretty Pretty Good. I got to hang with Cookie and Regie for a few days and it was so much to me and I felt torn when they left.

Being alive feels very heavy and hard right now. I did something difficult and I asked for time away from work to work on my brain. I cried to my boss and he told me I need to prioritise myself - I have been begging my own brain for this for years but it is so so hard to do. Even now I am racked with guilt for having asked for this time, and for even having the privilege of working in a place which will give it to me. I am also feeling guilty because I leave behind a team who relies on me and who I love helping. I feel guilt because I don’t want them to worry for me, or to have the image of me in their mind burst and be replaced with a sad, aching monster. It is hard to put yourself first when you have made a point never to do so. It his hard when you do not feel worthy of the love or care you afford to others or expect others to be given. I have never afforded myself that courtesy or care and have never taken the advice I’ve given to others.

I am taking two weeks off. I’m going to go to a new GP who specialises in mental health and is safe for LGBTIQA+ people. I have had the new patient form filled out for two months but I have been drowned by fear. Going to a new GP has never been a kind experience for me. This one comes highly recommended but there is always that underlying dread that I will be turned away and not believed and not taken seriously.

I am worried because the place I was recommended by a friend to find a psych is understaffed and losing staff and they can’t take any new patients. This is frightening and hard. Seeing a psych has always been so hard and it is such a laborious chore to even make it to the point of getting an appointment in the first place. It is saddening how hard it is to navigate the medical system to seek help for mental illness when you are already in such a vulnerable place. It is so stressful.

I am seeking a new diagnosis because it all feels wrong to me. It has felt wrong to me for years but I have always minimised the voice in my head telling me that this is more than depression and an anxiety disorder. I have always told myself not to self-diagnose but who else is going to do it for me when I can’t trust in the health system and all of my friends have horror stories of having to harm themselves significantly to be taken seriously.

I am an utter mess right now and it’s a wonder I’ve been able to get to and from work every day. I haven’t been on time in a long time. I haven’t sorted my laundry in weeks. My bedroom is covered in clothes - I don’t know what is dirty or clean, there’s no underwear left in my drawer and I scavenge for clothes daily. I am showering every 3 days on average because it takes too much energy. There are used cotton buds and tissues and floss all over my bedroom and I can’t find it in myself to care. I’m only washing my hair once a week. Sometimes I can’t let June touch me because feeling anything on my skin makes me want to vomit. Noise makes me want to vomit. I keep getting inexplicable stomach aches. I am severely dehydrated because I don’t drink enough water because I am scared to go to the kitchen at work and I am scared of being caught in a conversation with someone. It’s not often that I talk about this side of it all.

I am so entirely drained. I hope this low is over soon. I’m struggling but I’m still trying. That matters, right?