I keep coming back here

The idea of purpose always pops up in background moments of my life. It came up when I joined my pride network at work and we had a conversation about why we needed a pride network. It comes up all the time in that space, when I’m doing a lot of emotional labour and heavy lifting. It came up the other day when June was watching Tokidoki Traveller on Youtube and she was talking about why she made videos and what her purpose was. Whenever it comes up, I always feel lost. I can never decide inside myself that I have a purpose and that I know what that purpose is. Why do I do things? Why do I post about my problems so much on the internet? Why do I even have a blog?

A n y w a y - thinking on it this week has led me back to the same place where I usually end up, here, which is that I mostly want to be honest in what I do and what I say and what I make. I want to show people how I feel and why I feel it and help them to understand why I am the way I am, and maybe why they are the way they are. I want people to know that their feelings can be understood and that they are not the only one. I want to fill the gap when there is no one else there to do it, and I want small and marginalised and ignored voices to be heard. I want to make sure that nothing and no one is forgotten.

I think that that’s where I’m at when I’m feeling better inside myself, but I don’t always feel that way when I’m drowning and it’s hard to shout that message when you’re quietly convincing yourself it’s okay to be alive.

I question myself a lot. I change my bios on social media CONSTANTLY because they feel like they become a lie when I’m down or when I’m up. Advocacy and having a voice are important to me - but it feels like a lie when I’m down and I don’t go to the pride march that I’ve been touting at work for weeks because I’m anxious. It feels like a lie when I don’t have the energy to do much beyond sharing something online or retweeting that tweet about that thing I’ve never read much about but which I feel hard for the people who have had to live it.

I often feel inadequate as an advocate or a champion. I feel I don’t do enough. I just don’t have the energy or the time or the drive. It becomes hard to remind myself that advocacy is sometimes just about visibility and that you can’t always be on the front line shouting and screaming about how you have been hurt and how things need to change. It is hard to remind myself that there are other ways to be an advocate and an ally. It has to sometimes be a retweet. It has to sometimes be a donation to a cause. It is sometimes just taking a moment to learn about that thing. It is calling someone out when they say something insensitive. It is admitting when you’re wrong or when you’re insensitive and being accountable for your actions. I often question my commitment because of my ability to rise to a cause, to contribute and be there in person, to go past the anxiety and say something when it needs to be said.

The ~purpose of writing this is mostly to remind myself that I DO maybe have a vague purpose for writing and making art and putting my energy into specific things at work, and it’s fine to be absent when you need to be, even if it means forgoing that greater purpose. I’m not at work right now and I am not being that voice shouting about Transgender Day of Visibility (which is on Sunday, b t w plug plug plug) and it pains me deeply that I am not there reminding people to go to events, to donate to local organisations which support transgender and gender non conforming people, or to even just question their own idea of what gender is and should be. It is hard to not be there.

Also, just quietly, sometimes my purpose is no greater than I just want some damn attention, and that’s fine too ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ we can’t all be about saving the world all the time, lbr, we need a break and some love too.

Hope ur having a good day, have taken your meds, have drunk more water than I have, and you get to have a treat tonight!

Love u xoxox

Sam