♡✧ december ✧♡
Today is the first day of December and I am excited for a couple of reasons.
- Every Friday, my fav Em and I go on our morning coffee run and we get donuts! Our regular coffee haunt only has donuts on Fridays, and we like to indulge ourselves. Admittedly, we indulge ourselves far too often (Daiso, amiright?) but this has become a weekly routine and I look forward to it all week. Last Friday I had this incredible caramel donut and I was so happy.
- It's the first day of the end of the year and my dog I am happy that the year is ending. It's weird that I'm approaching the end of the year with the intention of marking it as the beginning of a period of change. I've never believed in that kind of thing because I thought it was silly and childish and I would scoff at people who decided "new year, new me" but I can admit now that that's an awful attitude to have and that there's nothing wrong with having some sort of symbol to mark the beginning or the end of something.
- It is the weekend and I get to go home after work and sit on the couch with June and hug them and exist next to them and honestly what is a better way to spend any day????
I have had a really bad week and it probably hasn't been much different to any other week of my life, I've gone to work, I've gone home, I've gone to work again. My depression and my anxiety has been so unpredictable and up and down recently and it's bizarre. I was having a great week when I first saw my psych, to the point that I was like ye you know, I feel alright and I'm excited. Skip forward two weeks, and I'm crying in a meeting room to one of my executives at work about how I am falling apart and I don't know how to control anything and they have to leave the room to get me tissues because I cannot stop sobbing.
It's really weird and hard to admit to someone, especially someone that is in a management position over you, that you're having a really bad time and you're not sure what to do. It's even harder to admit that you know it's affecting your work and you know you're beginning to let things slip. I feel almost relieved now because I knew something had to break, I had to tell someone or someone had to notice that I was not coping. I knew I was going to cry. I could feel it coming, and I knew that I'd be able to be honest only in that moment when I could feel my entire chest starting to cave in - so I did. It's step one in climbing back up the wall of this hole I've dug for myself.
I'm really hoping that December will be a growth period, or at least a period where I feel like I get my footing back. I'm trying to formulate a plan to get on top of things at work, and it feels a little bit easier now that I have someone else's support and someone removed from my personal life has been able to help me rationalise my feelings and promise that we can fix everything at work if I try and they will be there if I need support. The weirdest part of the whole conversation was probably when they went "it sounds like you're spiralling" and I'm like NO SHIT MAN but all I could do was nod and sob. It's weird because I can go from spiralling yesterday to writing a blog about how I'm excited about December a day later. Why does my brain work this way? I don't fkn know.
Work has been draining me recently, and I know it, and I already have a foot out the door looking for a new opportunity. My time in my current job has been spent and I know I'll make a greater impact elsewhere. It's making it really hard to care about things not working beyond the fact that it makes me feel guilty and incapable. Most of the time I want to curl in a ball under my desk and pretend I am not there. It's surprising that I haven't done this already. I'm really anxious about not being able to find a new job. I've felt sick all week over it. I know that it won't be the end of the world if I don't, but then I'll be forced even more to confront the fact that I'm stuck here in this unhappy hole lol.
I will survive that. I've always just survived the things that happen to me because what other option have I ever had?? I feel like coming from a background of trauma, all I really know how to do is survive. What do you do beyond that?? How do I go beyond survival and achieve anything? I really want to be able to do more.
December will not magically be a turning point. I know I have to work hard. I know I have to force myself to change. I know I will have to develop better habits. December is just a symbol for that. December will be a blanket that I wrap around myself to protect myself when I run through the brambles of my life. It's still going to fucking hurt and I'm going to be poked by a thousand tiny thorns but the damage will be minimal, and symbolically me and my December blanket are unstoppable so it's fine, right? It's fine.
I do have some goals that I've written down for December but I won't share them here because it's not important for you to know. You'll find out if you stick around and read my blog in the future. It's more of a to do list, really. If I call them goals instead, will I feel less guilty if I don't do them? I'm not sure, but I'll let you known when December is over.
Happy December, friends, don't forget to look after yourself and your pals. Kiss your friends. Hold their hands. Make them a smoothie and tell them they're cute and you like them.